You know what’s even more depressing than going back to work after a fortnight in your pyjamas drinking Baileys? Going back to work on a kale and celery juice with added parsley, which may explain why Britain looks so bloody miserable this week – because, according to the Times, that is “the diet everyone’s talking about”. Happy new year!
The Sirt plan, developed in an expensive, celebrity-ridden Chelsea gym and endorsed by dispiritingly slender former models Jodie Kidd and Lorraine Pascale, is based on magic superfoods or “sirtfoods” which, Marie Clare helpfully explains, are “actually a food high in sirtuin activators”. And, according to the Times, “experts say [they] turbocharge weight loss and help you to live longer”. Handily, these are “everyday ingredients”, such as, you know, buckwheat, green tea (“ideally matcha”) and lovage.
Personally, I’d drown myself in green juice if it meant I didn’t have to “detox” the kitchen of the many lurking poisons identified by Sirt’s big rival, the Pegan plan (in case you wondered, that’s a clever combination of vegan and Paleo diets. You know, the one where you can’t even eat honey because the bees didn’t sign a release form, and the neanderthal one that relies heavily on meat).
By detoxing, Pegan’s creator Mark Hyman (“Bill Clinton’s doctor”, the Sunday Times reveals excitedly, as if that were a great selling point) means stripping the cupboards of all gluten, grains, pulses, fruit, alcohol and dairy, and replacing them with a vast array of expensive supplements “to help burn calories efficiently”. On the plus side, they should take up a bit less room than all that evil quinoa and citrus fruit you’ve chucked, though they probably won’t spark any on-trend KonMari decluttering joy.
In fact, grains and gluten are personae non gratae in many of the new diets promising to change your life for good in 2016 – they “can irritate the gut lining if you’re sensitive to them”, according to the Telegraph’s 30-Day Gut Makeover. (Just 1% of the population is estimated to be coeliac, but why let that get in the way of sales?) At least this particular plan allows you to eat pak choi and cold potatoes – “not hot!” – “whenever you fancy”! Hoo-flipping-rah.
While I’d sacrifice a fair few hot potatoes to look like Elle Macpherson, I’m not prepared to forsake hard scientific fact in favour of her beloved alkaline diet, which cuts out low-pH foods such as meat and grains on the basis that they leave your body full of “acidic ash” (honestly, you couldn’t make this stuff up). Macpherson says the diet left her feeling “lighter” and with an “alkaline glow”– an unfortunate side effect, perhaps, of all that alkalising green soup.
Sadly, the truth is far too boring to sell many books, and it is what all these “revolutionary” diets have in common. Look behind the gimmicks, and they all encourage you to eat a varied menu rich in protein and vegetables and low in sugar and processed foods – and most of them even allow you the odd wholegrain, too. What they fail to point out is exactly the thing that makes any healthy eating plan sustainable: the odd bag of chips or bar of chocolate isn’t going to kill you. Cutting out any food that gives you pleasure, be that dairy or doughnuts, is just going to make you miserable, and before you know it you’ll be elbow-deep in a family bucket seasoned with your own salty tears.
So, if you change anything about your diet this year, change the way you look at food. Think before you eat, and make sure you enjoy every mouthful. Which rules out that green juice.
Poached chicken with chilli bean freekeh, cavolo nero and lemon puree
What poached chicken lacks in temptingly golden skin, it makes up for in sheer juiciness – and as a bonus, you get a lovely lemony stock, too. Try it in the squash recipe below, or make it the base for a hearty minestrone.
(Serves 4-6)
1 small chicken, about 1.7kg
4 garlic cloves, unpeeled but lightly crushed
1 lemon, sliced
1 tsp peppercorns, lightly crushed
½ tbsp salt
For the freekeh
2 tbsp olive oil
1 red onion, finely sliced
1 tsp chilli flakes
300g freekeh
600ml chicken stock
300g frozen baby broad beans
For the puree
1 garlic clove, squashed
100g cavolo nero
2 anchovies, roughly chopped
1 lemon
75ml extra-virgin olive oil
Put the chicken in a deep pan just big enough to hold it and add the remaining ingredients. Cover with cold water, bring to the boil and skim. Turn down the heat and simmer for about 40 minutes, until cooked through.
Heat the oil in a large saucepan over a medium heat and cook the onion for about 15 minutes until soft. Add the chilli flakes and cook for another minute, then stir in the freekeh and toast for a further minute or so before adding 600ml of the poaching liquid and bringing to the boil. Season. Cover, turn down the heat and simmer very gently for 15 minutes. Take off the heat and leave, lid on, for five minutes.
While the freekeh is cooking, put the remaining garlic clove in a pan big enough to hold the kale and fill with cold water. Bring to the boil then salt generously. Add the kale and cook until just tender – about two minutes. Drain and squeeze out, then roughly chop. Puree with the anchovies, oil and the zest and juice of half the lemon. Taste, season, and add more lemon juice to taste.
Cook the beans in a small pan of salted water for two minutes then drain well, peeling off the skins if you’re feeling fancy. Stir through the freekeh and spoon on to a serving platter.
Arrange the chicken on top of the freekeh, then drizzle with the puree.
Disco-slaw with spicy peanut dressing
I find it difficult to muster much enthusiasm for a simple green salad at this time of year, but this crunchy riot of colour and spice is far easier to love. Feel free to swap in whatever veg you happen to have hanging around, and serve with leftover poached chicken or fish if you’re seeking more protein.
(Serves 8)
1 head of broccoli, cut into florets, stalk cut into matchsticks
200g shelled edamame or broad beans (frozen is fine)
½ red cabbage
200g brussels sprouts
1 large carrot
10 radishes
2 tbsp pumpkin seeds, toasted
For the dressing
5 tbsp peanut butter
2 limes
2 tsp honey
1 small red chilli, deseeded and finely chopped
Bring a large pan of salted water to the boil and prepare a large bowl of iced water. Blanch the broccoli and beans for about 45 seconds, then drain and cool in the water.
Finely shred the cabbage and brussels sprouts into a large serving bowl. Grate in the carrot, finely slice in the radishes and toss them all together with a pinch of salt.
Whisk the peanut butter, most of the lime juice and honey together with just enough warm water to give a pouring consistency (exactly how much will depend on the brand you use). Add the chilli and season to taste, adding more honey or lime juice if you think it needs it. Toss with the salad and top with pumpkin seeds.
Citrus salad with honey cardamom syrup and yoghurt
(Serves 4)
4 tbsp honey
Seeds from 4 cardamom pods, lightly crushed
4 tangerines or clementines
1 pink or red grapefruit
1 large orange
¼ pomegranate
2 tbsp pistachios, roughly chopped
500g Greek yoghurt
Put the honey in a small pan with four tablespoons of water and the cardamom, and bring to a simmer. Simmer for five minutes, then take off the heat and leave to infuse.
Peel the citrus, removing any pith, and slice horizontally. Arrange on a plate and tip over their juices. Sprinkle with the pomegranate seeds and pistachios.
Mix the yoghurt with a little of the strained syrup and dollop in the middle of the fruit. Pour a few spoonfuls of the syrup over the top and serve (you probably won’t need it all).
Squash and red lentil soup with coriander and smoked paprika
Thick and velvety, with a sweet, slightly smoky flavour, this outrageously orange soup has your back on a frigid winter’s evening. Use the stock from the chicken recipe in place of water if you like.
(Serves 4)
800g peeled and seeded pumpkin or squash (I like crown prince)
2 carrots, about 200g
4 tbsp extra-virgin olive oil
1 onion, thinly sliced
1½ tsp smoked paprika
400g tin of plum tomatoes
100g red lentils
Small bunch of coriander
Heat the oven to 200C/400F/gas mark six. Cut the squash and carrots into chunks about 4cm square and toss with a little oil. Spread out on a baking sheet and cook for about 30 minutes until tender and very slightly charred.
Meanwhile, heat two tablespoons of oil in a large saucepan over a medium-low heat and cook the onion until soft, golden and beginning to caramelise. Stir in half a teaspoon of paprika and cook for another minute or so, then tip in the tomatoes and mash up. Stir in the lentils and about a litre of water and bring to the boil, then turn down the heat and simmer for about 20 minutes, until the lentils are soft.
Add the vegetables to the pan and take off the heat. Whisk together the remaining teaspoon of paprika with the remaining tablespoon of oil and a pinch of salt. Puree the soup and season to taste, adding a little more water if you prefer it thinner. Roughly chop the coriander.
Divide between bowls and drizzle over the paprika oil. Top with coriander and serve.
