My fiancé and I have been together just under 6 years (dated 3, engaged 2.5) . Great relationship relatively, our friends & family all get along well with the other person, no issues at all…EXCEPT for one of my partner's best friends. Said best friend has never liked me and seemingly had it out for me the entire time. She basically ignores my existence, refuses to speak or be cordial to me, but as soon as she sees my partner, she's yelling and hugging him talking about “hey best friend” while ignoring me even though I’m right next to him. I told him about it & how it made me feel & at first it went unaddressed 2-3 more times because he “needed proof” to make sure there was an issue. After said “proof” was present he spoke to her about it & she got a little better, but only around groups of people and like twice. She indicated she doesn’t have a problem with me, so he felt I am the only one having an issue and I need to just approach her and talk it out. I told him I’m not doing that cause she isn’t my friend and HE needs to do so. A couple weeks ago we attended a mutual friend's party. I attempted to make eye contact and say hello 2-3 times but she avoided me and refused to look at me the whole time. My fiancé noticed because it was so blatant. I don’t want her respect, don’t need her to like me, don’t honestly want her around at all, I just want her to have basic human decency. This situation has caused me to rethink my relationship and ending it because I feel my fiancé is in the wrong for engaging with her after seeing how she completely disregards me. I think now but mostly after marriage we’re supposed to be a unit and I wouldn’t allow this behavior from a friend. I've been feeling like an ahole because we spent the better half of a nice drunken evening arguing about this, and I told him she can’t come to our wedding, as I won’t have someone who can’t seem to stand me near me the. AITA for telling my fiancé she can’t come to our wedding? Couette-Couette said: NTA but I am surprised that you decided to marry someone who allows such behavior toward you. ArsenalSeven said: NTA - but your fiancée is. Had he ever asked what her f-ng problem is? Take a hard stance on no invite. TechnicalStruggle395 said: NTA— she seems two faced & manipulative you’re better off not having her have an opportunity to ruin your day."AITA for not allowing my fiancé's BF come to our wedding?"
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Effective_Brief8295 said:
NTA for not allowing the bff to come to the wedding, but you are the a-hole for still wanting to marry the guy. Your man doesn't respect you or he would have put his foot down with the bff after he saw the way she continued to disrespect you after he said something to her.
Do you honestly think just by not inviting her to the wedding will change anything? She's still going to be a pain in the butt after you get married. Then there will be more hoops to go through when you end up divorcing because of her.
RamonaDanger said:
NTA!!! This would really upset me too. She is disrespecting you and being a terrible friend to your fiance. A true friend would go the extra mile to make you feel welcome and comfortable with their friendship knowing how much you mean to him.
Your fiance needs to ask himself why he would want to maintain a relationship of any type with someone who disrespects you. He's literally planning on building a life with you, yet he's prioritizing her feelings.
Why? Is it because he doesn't have a backbone? Is it because he thinks how people treat you isn't relevant to him? Is he screwing her on the side? You can't answer any of these other than to set a boundary and hold firm.
jsbleez said:
NTA, but pump the breaks on the wedding. maybe outright have a conversation on how he sees his friendship with her. Point out her dislike of all of his relationships shows that either she wants a romantic relationship with him or she has some serious dependency issues.
Do not marry him until you feel like you are on some sort of solid ground about their relationship or youll be back here with he ditched me on our anniversary to hang out with her.
UPDATE:
The comments on my original post opened my eyes and made me realize that despite this being the healthiest relationship I’ve been in, it doesn’t mean it’s actually healthy. We’ve had a couple conversations surrounding this issue, which mostly consisted of me saying it bothered me & him saying he I was the only one who cared.
A couple things helped me realize my breaking point-I asked him if he would be okay with our daughters future partner treating them like this, to which he got flustered, shut down, and said he didn’t want to talk about it. (I left it alone)
He said he didn’t want to end his friendship or do anything to jeopardize it because “what if we break up.” This made me realize he would not protect me as his wife, since he didn’t as his girlfriend.
The final straw was when I expressed how much it bothered me that he wanted me to blow this off since we, as in me & the best friend, only see each other 4-6 times a year & he said (directly quoted because this is burned into my brain) : “I know the way she treats you is garbage, but you’re allowing one person to dictate our relationship.”
“It could be worse. She could be more active. There are worse ways to meddle, people text and lie, and all that to break relationships up.” The first line broke my heart and told me all I needed to know.
I have to truck through a couple more months of pre-planned & paid for social engagements, but I closed the curtain on any chance of healing this relationship the moment those words left his mouth.
Thank you everyone for the advice, common sense, knocking me upside my head, and similar related experiences & outcomes. I’m gonna go to therapy & redefine what a healthy, balanced, and communicative relationship.
EDITS:
EDIT: the preplanned events aren’t the wedding/ engagement related. We share a home, need to divide assets, pets, a custody schedule. Additionally we have vacations, planned with a mutually shared friend group (bf not part of that group). I appreciate the concerns but I need to plan things out a little more. There will be no second chance.
To those that keep saying they’re f*cking- probably . When I first brought this up, he became stressed & kept emphasizing how I thought he was f*ckin his best friend, and didn’t address the issue that was brought up. I don’t care to know or confirm.
EDIT 2: We are NOT getting married, continuing our relationship. For those thinking I’m using the preplanned events to justify holding out good- absolutely f*ckin not. Our relationship was dead the moment he admitted she treated my like garbage, and basically shrugged it off.
As a note- I NEVER asked him to cut anyone off, out of his life. I simply asked for basic greetings & acknowledgment during the rare encounters with his BFF. This hasn’t happened, aside from a couple of begrudging times
FINAL EDIT: I tried asking him the “what would you tell your daughter to do” question. He answered that if she loved her partner, she shouldn’t care about outside ppl.
Additionally he said he was tired of talking about it, he feels he’s done all he can, and he doesn’t want us(me) to bring her up because he’s tired of talking about it. I told him our relationship is done I September (when our lease is up etc), apologized for bringing it up, and asked if he wanted to be alone for the evening.
Thank you everyone for helping me realize I wasn’t asking for to much. I really thought he was the one for me, but I wasn’t thinking straight. I’m tired & I want better for myself. I’m ok with being alone. I appreciate you all. Have a good night.
Here's what top commenters had to say after the update:
Rude-Manufacturer635 said:
“What if we break up?” What I’m reading there, and it’s mainly influenced by other people’s comments on this thread, is that your fiancée is “keeping his options open.” Not a great sign. Do what’s healthy for you. NTA.
Summer-sky-818 said:
You do not have to truck through any paid for engagements. It’s a sunk cost. Write it all off as lessons learned and move on. Dragging this out will only hurt you.
OkMinimum3033 said:
Wow.... You've been together for 6 years...And he's saying things like, what if we break up? At that point, you don't say things like that. You're engaged to be married. That's supposed to be your life partner and if they're uncomfortable and you've acknowledged someone in your life is treating your life partner like absolute sh-t... Your life partner comes first. He's already planning for the breakup.
He is not ready for marriage. Bottom line. He is selfish. He's just told on himself. He's told you exactly how he'd act in the marriage not just in regard to the best friend (who he's definitely planning to f-k) but how he'd act if you had kids, how he'd act if you got sick...
...and how he'd act if another woman was suddenly paying him attention 10 years down the line and he didn't want to give the new friendship up even if it made you uncomfortable (and then you'd walk in to them on your bed)... He is not the one. They tell on themselves and well done you for listening to the signs. You can't change him. He is who he is and he is not marriage material.
TheSBW said:
NTA do not marry. One day you will look back and laugh at the idea.
OkFoundation7365 said:
NTA. Don't do the events. Tell everyone what he said, that he keeps her around in case you guys break up. Tell her she can have your sloppy second, you don't need some side chicken waiting in the wings. She's a total Camilla, just lurking behind the scenes, ready to destroy lives and undermine a marriage.
Thank goodness you never had kids with this guy. Image her as a step to your children. She'd either ignore their existence, bully them or demand they call her Mom. Move on from this loser.
Regular-Hedgehog-243 said:
NTA. Time to call time on this unhealthy relationship. Your fiance has made it clear you're further down the pecking than his best friend - perhaps he should marry her instead?
Whatever you've paid already for the wedding is likely lost but the cost is cheaper than the inevitable divorce not to mention your health and mental wellbeing. Run, run for the hills and be free from this guy.
